In this section of TUBISM we will explore and discuss some of the very elaborate stories that human tubes have come up with to make themselves feel like they are more important than just tubes. These stories have caused untold pain and struggle and disaster and made life on this planet incredibly complicated, so they probably are a part of evolution as evolution seems to move inevitably towards complexity. For example, reproduction for Piet, our one celled ancestor, was quite simple. All he had to do was divide into two identical Piets. Yet look how complicated and difficult it can be for human tubes to reproduce! Jewish, Catholic, Protestant and Muslim tubes believe that reproduction became more difficult because the first two human tubes, named Adam and Eve, were disobedient to the Supreme Tube and He kicked them out of His Garden and told them that childbirth would really hurt and it was all Eve’s fault. According to the Old Testament, which is the primary source material for these four tubal belief systems, Eve was created when the Supreme Tube pulled her out of one of Adam’s ribs and Adam was just created. Poof! Kind of like David Copperfield pulling a rabbit out of a hat. Everyone else, including all the 2, 4, 6, 8, 100, 1000, 0 legged, all the swimming and slithering and flying tubes, had either evolved, or been created by the Supreme Tube via a sexual process (be fruitful and multiply) that involved the male tube taking his genital tube and sticking it into the female tube’s genital tube and squirting little swimming cells into the female’s inner tubes and entering into an egg (kind of like our old, single cell friend Piet). Then the cell multiplied (just like evolution!) into a vast array of complicated tubes to become whatever kind of tube started the process in the first place. So Adam and Eve were different (those stories again). It did seem, from this book, that Adam and Eve did the tubular sex thing while in the garden and enjoyed themselves and ran around like healthy, happy, naked tubes but they never reproduced in the garden. What is claimed to have happened is that a snake tube who could talk convinced Eve, who was obviously hungry, to eat a forbidden fruit and that once eaten she would have more knowledge about good and bad things than she could handle. Well, Eve was not only hungry, she also was generous and sharing and she (like Piet) didn’t want to eat alone so she shared the fruit with Adam. Then they were kicked out of the garden where childbirth was painful and they had some kid tubes. They also, all of a sudden, recognized they were naked tubes (where they wearing dark glasses or something before?), and they became ashamed. From what I can make of this story is that they ‘realized’ or became deluded into thinking that being naked tubes just wasn’t a good thing and so they started inventing clothes so they could think they were more than just naked tubes. So, I guess this began the idea that “Clothes Make the Man!” Fashion was born!
In the Ghent Altarpiece, painted by Jan Van Eyck, a Dutch, Catholic tube during the early Renaissance, Adam is on the far left, naked but covering his genital tube with his hand and Eve is on the far right hands over her tubal opening as well. According to that book we mentioned, since they became ashamed everyone now wears clothes according to their so-called station in life. Check out the God figure in the center all draped out in gold fringed robes and with enough gold on His head to give any lesser tube a massive migraine. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Supreme Tube always has a massive migraine. You will note that except for Adam and Eve, everyone else in this painting (everyone in the whole world) has covered up their tubes so that no one will suspect that they are all just tubes. The major tubal opening, the mouth, is left uncovered because the tubes need their mouths to tell others that they are really bishops, saints, martyrs, etc and that no one should suspect that they are only metal and fabric embellished tubes. Still, when it comes time to take a shit, everyone still has to lift their robes and embrace their tubedom.
In the Bible, Adam and Eve were told that the fruit would give them the knowledge of good and evil. There wasn’t actually any good or evil at the time because there were only tubes doing what tubes do…eat, shit, piss, fuck, pass new tubes out of already existing tubes, etc. For good and evil to exist delusional concepts of self had to develop and judgement had to be invented. The Bible was actually the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and shame had to be instilled into the self-delusional mind of human tubes. Then, once most of the tube was covered, a fashion ranking system could be developed over time and with much conflict to judge who was good and who was bad, who was hot and who was not! Religious ‘leaders’ were especially fond of dressing up their tubes in very elaborate clothes full of powerful significance and symbolism. It was very important to their standing that others become intimidated and mystified by their impressive threads.
I used to travel to Italy (current center for tubes who think they are Catholic) to teach sculpting classes a couple times a year. My host rented a church for the class (the Catholic church owns most of the space there) and all along the walls neaqr the ceiling were pictures of the Pope, Bishops, saints, etc, all in very elaborate dress (they dressed much like women in long flowing gowns and skirts and robes and mantels which is strange because they had decreed that female tubes are inferior to male tubes). Whenever I looked up at them I wondered why they chose such silly looking uniforms as symbols of their power. I, for one, would never take anything said by people who dressed like that very seriously. Yet I also knew that if they showed their real nature, as naked tubes, then what they said and did would be judged by value and merit, not by their chosen fashion station. Without their costumes, they would just be another bunch of naked tubes gossiping and professing in the hot tub.
As I mentioned, the important Catholic tubes, dressed like transvestites, did not like female tubes and said that they were evil tubes. They said this was all because of Eve’s appetite for fresh fruit, but really they were afraid of women and their own intense desire or revulsion for female tubes. In fact, one reason they wore so many robes was to cover up what happened to their genital tubes whenever they looked at or even thought about female tubes. They didn’t want anyone to see that “they had arisen.” Eventually, as their genital tube stiffened against the heavy weight of their robes, it had to give up in defeat, not being able to bear the weight.
Some of these elaborately dressed tubes had an appetite for other male genital tubes instead of female tubes but this was also considered evil. Generally, the entire tube, except for the head part sticking up out of the clothes, was considered evil and that’s why it was all covered. (This also helped develop the imagination which kept all the covered tubes thinking about what each tube looked liked underneath all the clothes and eventually led to designing clothes that mimicked the tubal nakedness underneath.) Michelangelo was one of the most famous of all the gay tubes (male tubes seeking male tubes and not liking female tubes). We can see his devotion to male tubes and dislike of female tubes in much of his work and especially in his depiction of the Temptation of Eve that he painted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in Rome during the early 16th Century.
You will notice above how Michelangelo has placed Eve in position to suck on Adam’s genital tube while Adam holds onto the tree limb. You will also notice that the evil, tempting serpent is half snake and half woman. Michelangelo also used male models when he drew and painted men or women. We could assume that, although Michelangelo liked tubes better naked than clothed, he much preferred male tubes and did not have much respect for female tubes.
Catholics hated their own tubes so much that to prove that they were more than just tubes they subjected their tubes to various tortures or were willing to let others torture them to prove the conviction of their faith that they were more than just tubes. Below we see Saint Bartholomew: skinned alive
One of the 12 Apostles of Jesus, Bartholomew is often identified as the Apostle Nathanael. Little is known of his activities as a disciple other than what is related in the Gospel of John concerning Nathanael's first meeting with Jesus. After the Resurrection, he is traditionally believed to have preached in India and Armenia. Tradition holds that in Armenia he was flayed alive and then crucified upside down for refusing to worship pagan gods. This fate led to him being adopted as the patron saint of tanners. (how’s that for insanity! He knows first hand how it feels to have his hide ripped off and so can help other human tubes effectively rip off the hides of other animals!)
He is represented in Michelangelo's Last Judgment, with his own skin hanging over his arm.
More to come about famous tubes and the inventions of a Supreme Tube!